Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Infertility Humor & Inspiration

I feel like I have to laugh to make it through the tough times. It is usually the only thing that gets me through. I have saved a few of my favorite ecards and some inspirational quotes and I thought I would share.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Here We Go Again

We had another miscarriage. This is our third in less than a year. I was having all kinds of symptoms at the end of July and I got a faint + on a test. I used progesterone cream every day twice a day and I was hoping that would help it stick. We got the + on Wednesday July 31st. We left to go to California that afternoon to surprise my mother in law for her 60th birthday. That evening I started spotting and by the next morning, I knew what was happening. My heart broke yet again but I held it in because I didn't want to ruin a nice trip. I finally lost it and cried my eyes out around Victorville on the way home. We didn't tell anyone for a few days. I needed time to cry about it before I wanted to talk about it. The bleeding only lasted for 2 days and then nothing. I was very confused. We called my doctor and made an appointment for later in the week. I went in on Friday and had blood work done and an ultrasound. Everything came back negative of course and thankfully everything passed naturally so I will not need any procedures to take care of it. I saw my doctor today to go over everything. Since this is my third miscarriage my insurance is willing to cover more infertility testing which is a blessing. She told us that we should not try to conceive for 3 cycles so that my hormones and everything could straighten out and we both had to give blood today because my doctor wanted to do a full genetics and chromosome testing. My husband only had to give 2 viles. I had to give 17. I started getting pretty light headed after about the 10th vile so she let me sit there for a while and drink some juice. I have never given that much of my blood. I was exhausted. I had to sit outside of my husband's work for 20 minutes after dropping him off before I felt good enough to drive. As soon as I got home crashed. I posted a photo of all the viles on facebook. I normally do not like to share our infertility struggles on there but my husband said it might be good to get some support. 

Here's the picture I posted:

People did say some nice things. I had a very good conversation with a friend who has been in a similar situation. It definitely helps to have someone who can relate because unless you have dealt with infertility personally, it is very hard to completely understand. One thing that has been a big help to me through all of this is the book I am currently reading. It is Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer. It really does help me to think about how negative thinking only brings me down further. I am trying to stay positive and thank God for all of the blessing that I do have in my life but it gets difficult. I feel like the more I am struggling with bitterness due to infertility the more pregnancies are happening around me. It hurts so badly. I want to be one of those pregnant women complaining about their symptoms. I would give anything for that. Until that happens, I am just trying to concentrate on the reason I want to have children so much, the love I have for my husband. He has been my rock through all of this and I could not be more grateful for him. The Lord definitely brought him into my life for a reason. Another thing that has helped get me through this and other tough times is my devotional/praise & worship time. It is my favorite time of the day. I love to praise God through song. It makes me feel more at peace. That is what I need to concentrate on.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Faith & Infertility

I am not going to lie. It is so hard to have faith in God's timing when you are struggling with infertility. I have never wanted anything more in my life than to have a child with my husband. We have been trying to conceive since November 2008. It hurts. A lot. Only people who have been down this road can truly understand how difficult this process can be. 
I will start by telling you a little about myself and the beginnings of my struggles with infertility. I was diagnosed when I was 18 with Polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) which is basically when you have multiple cysts on your ovaries caused by fluctuating insulin levels. When it is time to ovulate, instead of the egg traveling down the fallopian tubes, it stays in the ovary and becomes a cyst.  At the time, I had 8 cysts on each of my ovaries. I was young, so I was not thinking about having children any time soon so I just let it go. A cyst would burst every so often and I would go to the hospital for pain management. I had no idea that it could effect my fertility. I didn't do any research because at that time, I had it in my head that I was never going to have children anyway so it didn't matter. Fast forward to 2006 when I married my husband, Matt. About 2 months after we got married, I had yet another cyst burst. This time, I wanted to get information on why this was happening because I had decided that I definitely wanted children someday with Matt. That is when I found out everything and back then there wasn't much help except for weight loss. The trouble is, with PCOS it is very difficult to lose weight and keep it off. I just put it in the back of my mind again because I wasn't ready to have children anyway. We moved from California to Nevada in 2008 and in November we decided that it was the right time to start trying for a baby. We were going to just have fun and let it happen when it was meant to happen. Nothing happened. I went to see a new OBGYN in 2010 who had way more answers when it came to my PCOS. She put me on Metformin which is a drug for diabetes but was now being used to treat PCOS. It is supposed to help to regulate your insulin levels to prevent new cysts from forming. It also helped with the thing I needed the most, weight loss. Within the first year I started taking it, I lost 70 lbs. My doctor wanted me to get down to a certain weight before she would consider fertility treatments. Right when I got down to the weight she wanted me to be I lost my amazing insurance and she didn't take my new insurance. I felt so lost and heartbroken. We had finally found someone who would help us and I couldn't see her. I didn't want to see anyone else. By the end of 2011, we were ready to start fertility treatments. We found a new OBGYN and I started the fertility drug Clomid in January 2012. That was a nightmare. My doctor was terrible. I had cysts bursting every month at the beginning of my cycle and she refused to see me. She even upped my dose without seeing me. I only saw her once. The first time she prescribed the Clomid. No blood work or ultrasounds. I completely lost hope. We did 4 cycles with the Clomid before calling it quits. I cried and cried. In November 2012, I thought our luck had changed. I was having pregnancy symptoms and was waiting to test until my period was due. I had a very early miscarriage. That happened again in June 2013 as well. I would have been due February 14, 2014. Matt started a new job and we got new insurance and I was able to go back to my amazing doctor right when I had the miscarriage. If it had been 2 weeks sooner, she would have put me on progesterone and I might still be pregnant.  I don't like to think about that. We decided to have Matt tested to see if there were any issues with his swimmers. He was diagnosed with abnormal sperm morphology which basically means that his sperm are not mutating correctly. You are supposed to have 4% or more healthy sperm and he only had 2%. It was very bad news. My doctor told Matt to take fertility vitamins and if the counts didn't improve, our only option would be In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) which is $15-20k per try. It is a very difficult decision because that is a lot of money for a maybe. As of right now, we are both taking fertility vitamins and hoping for the best at our next appointment. If everything improves, we will be able to try intrauterine insemination (IUI) which is considerably less money as well as much less invasive. We continue to pray and have faith that our God will answer us and one day we will have a family.